Secrets
by anotherpersonthatsinvisible
Summary: one girl trying to deal with her screwed up family and the events of her life. if you read this story please reveiw it because i would love to hear your opions on it.
1. Prologue

My name is Joanna Blake. I'm the person that if talked to I sit there, listen, and comment only when necessary and is the one that everyone knows but really doesn't know what is going on with her life. Ya, I have friends. Ya, they're really fun and I love hanging out with them and Annabel knows all my secrets and is there when I'm the one that needs to vent but even but even with her I can't tell her everything. Some things I just can't tell anyone and if you have big secret that weighs down on you. She knows all about my alcoholic mother, Emily, and who is also bulimic. The one thing that she doesn't know is that my mom also started popping pills that she didn't take when she broke her foot a few years ago. My stepdad, Ethan, is aware of all this stuff going on with his wife but is too afraid to admit that anything is going on. He owns a local insurance business. He is always busy and is almost always at work. My dad is on his first tour of Iraq and won't be home for a whole year and I'm now stuck in the house at my mom's house that is always has some kind of drama going on. Making it about the last place that I want to be around. My older sister, Danielle, who just moved off to college and has found a life that doesn't really include me. That is the brief history of my family and if you haven't noticed it is very dysfunctional and chaotic. The only thing keeping me a little sane is my music. I listen to it when my parents are fighting on a subject that I don't even think they know, or when I just need a pick-me-up when my day has just gone downhill. I like all kinds- rap, hip-hop, country, or jazz even. It all matters what I'm feeling like and what my head says that I need.


	2. Chapter 2

One

"What in the hell?" Emily asks as she walks into the door already drunk. "You have been home for at least three hours by yourself; why in the hell did you not set the table. Do I have to tell you everything?" Yes, that is the greeting I got when my mother walked into the door. No 'Hi Joanna, How was your day' or even a small 'Hi' would of done the trick. I'm upstairs in my room and I put down the book that I had been reading and walk down the stairs to the kitchen where my mom is already taking the roast out of the oven that I had put in there a few hours before. I had also took potatoes and peeled them and had them mashed in a bowl. Just because my mom puts everything on a plate and puts it on the table that means 'shes' has been the one that had prepared and cooked it. When I get out of this house she is going to get an awaking when she comes home and dinners not five minutes to being completed and she actually has to cook. I would love to see her face. Anyway, I go to the cabinet and get the three plates that I now have to set on the table. I do the same with napkins, forks, and knifes. Most of the time mom doesn't even bother to come home to eat with me, that's the reason for the table not being ready. I sit at the table with either a book or just my iPod. Those nights are the ones that her and Ethan come home and eat at a later hour that I prefer to eat. I know your probably thinking that why don't u just eat with them and spare yourself the pain of eating alone. Well if I eat with them that's an opening for a conversion that eight times out of ten ends up in an argument. I have tried talking too much and get yelled at. I tried talking only when talked to and end up saying something wrong. I prefer to not fight and to just fade onto the background. I mean I can't even talk in front of my classmates without talking super fast just to get it over with and ends up sitting down and feeling really stupid. Let's just say that is my major weak spot.

I sat at the table and reached for the mashed potatoes and then take a bite, a little too salty but still pretty good. That's when I reached for the roast and put a hunk on my plate and then sit waiting for them to get ready to pray. After we were done with prayer I sit there and start to eat, silently. My mom and Ethan about something that she 'needs' to buy, not like she doesn't have enough clothes. It's about ten minutes later till the conversion turns toward me. "How was school?" Mom asks. My answer was the one I always gave because it was the safest answer I have found "Boring." "So did you get any F's" Ethan chimes in. Ethan thinks I'm smart but I think he just wants me to be smart to get a scholarship for college. "No I didn't" I answered back to the very rude question that made me want to get up and just punch him in the face. As Ethan and mom start their conversion I release into my own world and start singing "bleed it out" by Linkin Park. I do that a lot when I'm bored or when I'm in a conversion and the other person says something that reminds me of some lyrics from a song and start singing it. I was snapped back to reality when mom and Ethan started talking louder and louder, I had ate the rest of the food on my plate and needed to get out of there fast. I went to the sink, washed my dish and steadily went up the stairs and just as I shutting my door, the fight broke out in full swing and I go to my bed and sit and pull my headphones to my ears drowning out the yelling with the full out rock music that I needed.


	3. Chapter 3

Two

"So you want to hang out tomorrow?" Danielle asked. She called me out of the blue and kept asking me if I wanted to do something. It sounded good because I got out of the house and Dani and I always had fun together. "That sounds wonderful. What time do you think you will get home?" I responded. "Be ready by 10" she answered. The next day my hair was done by 9:45, Dani was always early, that was one of the many qualities that I love about my sister, that and her music. She always had a new cd and by the end of the day I would always have a few new songs that I was in love with. Well Dani got to the house and just as soon as she got there, we left. She hated that house as much as I do. We walked out the door together already recapping each other. She was rambling on about one of the people she met. She started the car and drove out the driveway. I stopped listening to her and started listening to what was coming out of the new system she put in the old Jeep Liberty. Today it was some type of rap. I didn't understand the words but liked the beat it had. I just then realized that she was looking at me waiting for an answer to a question I had no idea what was asked. "Ya. Cool." was my answer, hoping it made since to what she asked. She looked content with the answer and explained the day for me. "Were going to Ann's basketball game, then going shopping with Aunt Sara for a bit and then making our way to Vicki's for dinner." I smiled loving the layout for the day. My cousin, Ann, was in 6th grade and wasn't exactly talented at basketball but had fun playing it. It was fun to see the smile on her face when she was playing. We drove up to the gym and walked in, almost immediately I noticed my little cousin, Zach, running toward me. He was Ann's brother. I picked him up and hugged him as he looked at me and said "Hey Jo." in his cute little voice. He was the only one that got away with calling me Jo. I had to admit I was putty in his hands. I put him down and started to scan the crowd. I notice that Annabel was in the crowd. She had a sister in 6th grade and the two teams were playing one another. I walk over to her and sit next to her. We started chatting and another friend of ours, Kate, walks up and sits next to me and we join her into the conversion. It was a good game but none of us really paying attention to the game. We had fun joking around and just having fun. All to soon the game ended and I gave Zach a good-bye hug and kiss, telling him that I would see him later tonight, and he was over excited and just couldn't wait for dinner. I got into the Jeep and we drove off to Kohl's, so Sara could buy me my birthday presents, which was 6 months ago. We went through the store talking and ended up only getting three pairs of socks but made plans for a later date to go to the lake and go shopping there. As we do to Vicki's house, Zach and Ann's mom, I stare out the window as a habit because when I'm in the car with my mom I try to make conversion but she doesn't respond so I don't try anymore and just stare out the window. We get to Vicki's where I play with Zach, eat a nice homemade dinner, and watch some TV. Far too soon it's time to get back into the Jeep and make our way back home. I was debating with myself if I should tell Dani that the other night that I heard clear as day mom puking right after she ate. I went against my first instincts and told her. Just as I had expecting Dani flips out and starts yelling at me because I didn't go in the bathroom and catch mom. She finally calms down and looks straight at me and says "You have to promise me that if you hear her again walk into the bathroom and catch her, then walk to your room and call me. I will be home in 20 minutes." "Ya. Okay." I responded and she looked at me knowing too well that I wouldn't. "Joanna, you need to do this for me. I know that you're scared. It will all be okay." I didn't know what to say to that so I promised her I would. Knowing very well that, that was one promise I wasn't going to keep.


	4. Chapter 4

Four

"I drank too much." was the first thing my mom said as she got into the car. It took all I had not to say something that I know I would regret later. I just sat there concentrating on the red truck in front of me that Ethan was driving in. My mom instantly turned off the radio that I was listening to, making the car silent and awkward. We were on the halfway home when she spoke again. "I had a hard week." All I could think was I really don't fucking care, I was in a good mood because I had just gotten out of a movie I had seen with Marie. I just sat there and keep concentrating on driving. Mom keep putting the windshield wipers on for a minute and turning them off because there was a light drizzle going on outside. "You know that is really distracting and I don't appreciate it." I snapped, my anger getting the best of me for a minute. "Well, I couldn't see which means you couldn't see" was the excuse she gave me. "I could see perfectly fine." That statement shut her up. She just sat in the passenger seat staring out the window. Then she started randomly saying "I'm worried about you." I just sat there not knowing how to respond. Finally I said, "Don't be, I'm fine." Remembering the many times she had told me that. "No, you're not fine." she snapped back. "What in the hell is not fine with me then, please explain." I practically yelled back. "You're always in your room and your do distant and you never do anything anymore. I know you're taking your dad being gone hard but you can talk to me." was how she explained. I could feel my good mood escaping me completely and anger completely filling me. She just had to bring dad up. That was her explanation to everything, "I'm so sorry your dads gone." It pissed me off. "Well, maybe if you weren't drunk all the time I would talk to you." My anger getting the best of me and I immediately regretted saying it. "Well, sorry you have a drunk for a mom." she counteracted. "Whatever" is what I mumbled under my breathe as I turned onto our subdivision. It was quiet again and I just wanted to go home and text Marie like I always did when I had a fight with mom or i was just pissed, she was that kind of friend. Where I could be boiling when I start talking to her and in a few minutes she had me laughing and calming down. I was the exact same friend for her. "Well, when your dad was in town and he was drunk you still hung around him." my mom stated so matter-a-factly as we pulled into the driveway. My anger had reached a new height as she said this. "Well, not like you would know even a fucking smidge of what you're talking about but if you really wanted to know I stayed in my room when he was home and drunk." I yelled at her. I turned off the car. I threw the keys in her lap and opened the door and promptly slammed it shut. Ethan gave me a look when he saw the anger in my face. "What's wrong?" he asked. I just mumbled "Ask HER" to him and started up the stairs taking them two at a time. Finally reaching my room as mom and Ethan came into the house, discussing the argument we had just had. I walked into my room, pulled out my laptop and iPod. Turning both on and turned the volume up to full blast as I reached for my phone and started the long message I was about to send to Marie.

Five minutes later, after having told Marie everything. I turned my iPod off and silently walked over to my sisters room where her door was creaked and I could hear the voices that were talking downstairs. "She called me an alcoholic, Ethan." I heard my mother say her voice creaking at the last word because she was crying. I never fucking called her that. She was lieing so Ethan would take her side and not mine, That fucking pissed me off again. She had calmed me down to a stile anger. My mom always lied to Ethan. If he knew the real story he would defend me. Anyway, Ethan told my mother that maybe she should just stay home every night and I almost laughed out loud. My mom would never do that he and I both knew that. She started throwing a fit and he quickly took back the idea. That's when they started talking about me. I almost ran down the stairs saying stuff that was nowhere near the truth. It made me angrier but I just sat there and listened. They had no idea that I had heard every word of it. I know exactly what they were planning and that felt good.


	5. Chapter 5

Three

"Hey, what's up?" Lyn asked as I walk into Spanish. Spanish is the class that the teacher doesn't really know what's going on and pretty much let the students do whatever. I usually talk to Lyn who is a good friend and one of the funniest people that I know and she can make me laugh no matter what kind of mood I'm in that day. Today I was in a reasonably good mood and wanted to have a good conversion and just stay in my good mood. I walk in and sit in the seat located across from Lyn and we start chatting. The bell rings noting the beginning of the class. We were silent for a few minutes, just enough time for the teacher to take attendance and to start with the notes. She turns toward the board and starts writing and everyone starts talking again. Lyn and I were already in a laughing fit and it stayed that way all the way to the end of the class period. The bell rang again. I head to my locker and just then Sidney pushes me into my locker and I lose my balance. Sidney is the type of friend that you punch and she turns around and punches you back just as hard and just mess around with. Well, I got up and moved to my next class with Sidney right behind me, until we had to go in different directions. I knew that she would text me that night just like she does every night. I walked into my Civics class just as Amber looked at me, and I just ignored her and went to the seat that I always sat in at the back of the room. I sit there every day and just try to stay at least half awake as the teacher rambles on and on. "B-rang." The class was finally out and I was ready for the bus ride home. I get to my locker and pull out my iPod and let the voice of Nickelback let me unwind.


	6. Chapter 6

**Arm flexed,**  
**Blade against skin,**  
**One swift motion,**  
**Brings blood to the surface, The pain... It's relieving,**  
**Stops all other pain, Of a different kind,**  
**The pain I feel inside.**


End file.
